So It Goes
by northernstarlight
Summary: One night, Kieren finds himself stumbling through the woods, desperate to get to the one place he feels the safest. But something, or someone, makes him stop. A Kieren/Simon oneshot.


_The premise for this is just after the preview for the scene in episode 3 where Simon tells Kieren that he's not leading Amy on. I haven't written anything for about 2 years now, so this is my first for a very long time. Enjoy._

* * *

Bleak, and desolate. The rain was coming down so heavily and so fast, the distant valleys could barely be seen. Roarton always looked a little bit dreary but through the torrential rain, it looked drearier than ever. Grey buildings and grey hills against grey skies and grey rain, so much grey, it made Kieren's contact lenses blurry.

"Come on son, dinner's ready." The sound of his dad's voice from the bottom of the stairs made him turn away from the gloomy landscape beyond his bedroom window.

Kieren sighed. Dinner. He understood that it was difficult for his parents, particularly his dad, seeing him this way, no longer dead yet no longer alive, but charades like this weren't helping anybody get past it. Pretending to eat dinner every evening was nothing short of awkward.

"Kieren, come on. It's lamb, your favourite."

* * *

Every evening was the same.

Jem in her school uniform. She'd eat quickly, go upstairs, get changed, and then disappear off out. Where was anybody's guess.

Steve in jeans far too tight for him, a slightly crumpled checked shirt. Sue in a knitted jumper, the same smile she always had. Kieren had seen it so many times now. It was the same smile he had seen the morning after Ken's wife had been killed out in the street. Kieren had come downstairs, his brain all foggy, anxiously wanting answers.

"Crazy night," he'd said, hoping for some kind of reaction.

But Steve had just rambled on about the wind.

Over the edge of her mug, Sue had forced a compassionate smile, the same one she was doing at this very moment. It was a combination of sympathy and apologies. Apologies for what, Kieren didn't quite know.

Jem always finished eating first, then Steve, then Sue. Steve would pick up the empty plates, then balance Kieren's full plate of food on top.

"Lovely. Didn't you think it was lovely, Kieren? Very lovely."

"Yes, dad. _Very lovely._"

Sue would look over at him, that smile, that constant, sensitive smile.

He felt trapped by it all. They weren't trying to upset him, they were trying their best. Steve was trying to make things seem normal and Sue was trying to show Kieren that she understood. But she didn't, and none of it was helping.

* * *

His parents had gone to bed hours ago, and Jem had come home and gone straight up to her room, with a second-long, secretive smile and a nod of the head.

The moment the rain stopped, Kieren tied up his laces, threw on a jacket, and slipped out of the front door, as quiet as a mouse.

He knew where he was going. It's where he always went, where he always ended up. He knew he needed to stop going there, stop reliving the past, but he couldn't help it. Before, it had been a safe place, a happy hideaway. Then, after everything, it had become a last resort, because he knew that soon he'd be leaving Roarton for the big wide world. But now, with the scheme in full swing, it was his only sanctuary in the town that was keeping him a prisoner.

Roarton at night was deafeningly silent, as silent as the grave. Just as dark, and just as cold.

Kieren walked through the empty streets as quickly as possible. Although the silence and the darkness made him nervous, he liked how cold the air was, and how there was nobody else around. Just him and the night.

The woods scared him the most. The branches on the trees reached out like bones, skeletal fingers grasping at his clothes. Indistinguishable noises coming at him left, right and centre. He knew he didn't need to be scared, he was already half-dead. But he couldn't stop himself, it's a basic human instinct, after all.

* * *

He kept going, his feet tripping over roots, his sleeves snagging on twigs, raindrops falling from leaves and splashing on the top of his head. The smell of rain rose from the ground, notes of rotten wood and whispers of decaying foliage. He wasn't far off now, but something made him stop.

In the distance, a black silhouette. Clearly a person. A man. Living? PDS sufferer? Rabid?

He didn't know what to do. He was in full view, but he couldn't tell if the person was facing him, or had their back to him. If they had their back to him, then it was unlikely they'd seen him yet. He could run, he could hide behind the trees on either side, he could fight. If they were facing him, he had two options. Run, or walk towards them.

But instead he stayed still, frozen.

His heart in his throat, he couldn't decide what to do.

Suddenly, the body moved, shifted. Kieren heard the leaves rustle in the distance, crunching beneath their feet. They weren't facing him. They were facing the other way, looking up at the sky. Kieren could run, he could turn back right now and run all the way home and go to bed.

Yet something made him start walking.

He walked so tentatively, he wasn't sure he was even moving at first, almost as if he were floating. He had no idea why he was doing this, he was so scared, he thought he was going to be sick at any moment, but he carried on, forced himself to get closer.

He could hear the harshness of his own breath, his heartbeat like a drum inside his ears, his body quaking and his legs like jelly.

He was very close now, almost within touching distance. The person was still cast in shadow but a slight wave of recognition came over Kieren, although he still wasn't quite sure.

In a single moment, the person had turned around. Kieren shrieked, almost dropping to the ground.

"Bit late for you to be wandering around, no?" Simon smirked.

* * *

The moonlight beamed down on Simon's pale skin, his white eyes shining, dark hair slicked back. Green parka, navy jumper, dark jeans.

"Frighten you?"

"No not at all. Only a lot." Kieren replied with a sigh of relief and a trembling hand over his heart.

"Sorry. Didn't expect to see anyone out tonight. Came out for some air. Where're you off to?"

Kieren thought for a moment. He didn't want to tell Simon, not about the cave. For a second, he thought he didn't want to tell him because it was his special place, his and Rick's sacred place. But he realised that that wasn't it. He wasn't sure what it was, but for some reason, he just didn't want Simon to know.

"Nowhere in particular. Same as you. Needed some air." Kieren mumbled.

"I understand," Simon nodded, "mind if I tag along?"

"No, not at all."

Kieren wasn't sure where to go now. He couldn't take Simon to the cave, and he didn't want to traipse around the woods all night. He remembered the farm house, where the ULA party had been. They changed direction, and left the woods, heading over the hill towards Lambert's farm.

* * *

The rain started falling again just as they got into the barn. The sound of the raindrops bouncing from the tin roof was strangely comforting. The barn, less so.

Graffiti covered the interior. Decrepit hay bales and leftover horse equipment, blankets and abandoned Wellington boots had been shoved into the corner since the party.

"Hang on." Simon smiled. The smile was smug, cheeky, a bit playful. Kieren felt something stir in the pit of his stomach. Something he hadn't felt for a while now.

Kieren watched him disappear out of the doorway, and into the rain.

He shouldn't be in here, especially not with Simon. Amy would be heartbroken. Poor, poor Amy. But Simon had guaranteed Kieren he wasn't leading her on, he'd said it with such conviction and such honesty. Then again, how could Kieren believe that? How could Kieren trust this man? This man he didn't know, this man who appeared out of nowhere with nothing but pinpricks on his wrists and a passion for liberty.

Before Kieren could think any further, bright fairy lights draped across the rafters lit up, casting beautiful colours over the walls. Simon reappeared into the barn, his hair dripping down his bloodless skin.

Kieren couldn't deny it now. There it was, that feeling, that beautifully sickening feeling in the very depths of his stomach that he'd only ever felt with one other person. Rick.

Simon stood in the doorway, a ghost against the darkness of the night sky outside.

"Pissing it down out there." He said, white eyes staring straight into Kieren's.

"You'll catch your death." Kieren joked.

Simon scoffed, and took off his coat. Kieren watched him. The way he didn't break eye contact as he pulled his arms out of the sleeves, the way he folded the coat in half and put it gently on the floor rather than throwing it to one side.

Then he walked over to Kieren. Kieren wanted to move, wanted to step away from Simon. He felt cold and nervous, but just like in the woods, he felt frozen to the spot. Instead, he turned his attention away from him, and looked up at the pretty fairy lights.

"Reminds me of Christmas." Kieren laughed.

Simon said nothing, but Kieren could feel his breath on the back of his neck. Kieren knew that if he took one tiny step back, his body would be against Simon's. Why was this happening, and why did he want it to?

"I don't think we're going home tonight, do you?" Simon whispered, causing a shiver to make its way down Kieren's spine. "We should probably get some blankets and that."

Simon let his lips linger just above Kieren's right ear for a couple of seconds, before striding away from him, towards the corner, piled with horse blankets.

Kieren focussed his eyes on the wall in front of him, catching his breath. His heart was beating painfully fast and his hands felt numb.

"I can't stay here the night, my parents will freak out." Kieren said, suddenly realising what Simon was suggesting.

"Well, you certainly can't go out _there_, look at it." Simon shrugged. He was right. The rain was battering down. Only an idiot would venture out into that.

Simon tossed the blankets onto the floor, setting one aside to cover himself and Kieren. He removed his boots, and the navy jumper, but remained in a white t-shirt, his jeans and his socks.

Kieren slowly walked towards Simon, nestling in the bundle of blankets.

Simon peeled back a corner of the top blanket, and smiled.

* * *

They sat beneath the blanket, backs against the wall, watching the rain fall.

"So, tell me things." Kieren asked. The silence was nice, but he was starting to feel sleepy, and he wasn't ready to sleep just yet.

"Like what?" Simon replied, releasing a breath.

"Well, where are you from? What did you do before you, you know, died and stuff."

"Dublin. And wallow."

"Glad I asked." Kieren said, sighing.

"Hey, I'm not a very interesting person. I'd much rather talk about you." Simon placed a strong hand on Kieren's thigh beneath the blanket, and Kieren felt goosebumps cover his body.

Kieren turned his head to see Simon looking at him. His eyes were intense, powerful. There was something in them that Kieren couldn't quite figure out. It was a mischievous look, like he was teasing him.

"You would?"

"Mm. Of course. You're much more intriguing. Tell me about you." Simon smiled.

There it was again. That feeling. Like a group of circus entertainers were performing acrobatic stunts and somersaults inside of his gut. Everything Simon did was starting to generate that exact feeling.

"Er, well, er, there's not much to tell really. I was born here, I grew up here, lived here and died here. Roarton was everything to me."

"But, now it's not?"

"Not really. I mean, I know, like you said, my family is here, and Amy's here and, well, you're here too. But I don't know. I guess, we've been given a second chance and, I want to get out there. I want to do stuff this time, see things, see places." Kieren shrugged.

"What if we were given this second chance for a reason? And what if Roarton has something to do with that reason?" Simon said, seriously. He removed his hand from Kieren's thigh.

"I, well, I don't know. I don't know." Kieren suddenly felt concerned. Simon's white face and white eyes became a little too sinister for him, his velvety voice sounded more honeyed than usual. The removal of Simon's hand from his thigh indicated a mood switch, a tense change in atmosphere.

Simon obviously sensed Kieren's hasty discontent, and his face softened slightly. He gently placed his own hand over Kieren's hand.

"I know it sounds a bit strange, a bit dark I suppose. And I know you don't trust me, you have every reason not to. I am a stranger. But I do believe that this place is important, and I believe that you of all people, are just as important."

The concern was gone and the butterflies were back.

Simon raised his hand slowly, and caressed Kieren's cheek with his thumb.

"You are _paramount_, Kieren Walker. And you're needed here. We need you here. _I_ need you here." Simon whispered, his tone hushed, his words husky, as if he were struggling for breath.

Kieren definitely was.

Their lips were mere millimetres away, both dry and chapped.

Kieren couldn't keep his eyes off of Simon's. He kept catching him glancing down at his lips. It was going to happen, there was no denying it. Right here in this abandoned barn, with the cold rain beating down on the roof above, glittering fairy lights swaying in the breeze above them, underneath blankets covered in horse hair, Kieren and Simon were going to kiss.

And they did.

* * *

Simon leaned closer, he lifted Kieren's chin slightly, and his lips brushed Kieren's. The kiss was dusty, hard yet soft. They parted each others lips and their heads moved slowly in perfect tandem. Kieren could feel himself trembling, and as if Simon had read his mind, he felt himself be enveloped by his arms. It was as if, at that very moment, the thirsty circus performers in the pit of his stomach, were drenched in a sweet, fulfilling wave, a satisfying rush spreading throughout his entire body.

Kieren hadn't realised how much he'd missed this, how much he'd missed being so close to somebody in such an intimate way. He was cold, but he felt so warm in Simon's arms. He could smell Simon's skin. Stale and earthy.

They pulled away slightly, but Simon kept hold of Kieren, and Kieren kept his fingers twisted in Simon's t-shirt.

Kieren wasn't sure what this meant, or what was going coming next. He knew things were going to happen, whether they were good or bad, he wasn't quite sure, but considering Roarton's track record, it wasn't looking good.

He also knew there was something about Simon. Yes, he couldn't doubt it now, he had fallen for him. His harsh face, his vivid eyes, his strong body and his dulcet voice. But that didn't mean Kieren wasn't still weary of him. He very much was. But for now, as they lay together, Kieren refused to think about what it all meant.

Through the doorway, the rain continued to fall in the darkness. Trees swayed and gravestones shuddered. A rebellion was on the way, and there was nowhere left to run.

* * *

_The title is from the song of the same name by the Verve, chosen because it contains the lyrics 'you come in on your own in this life, you know you leave on your own' and it just reminds me of Simon's character, makes me think of something he'd say. Thanks for reading. Hope it wasn't too bad._


End file.
